From Fear to Faith: Kenza Haddock’s Testimony
Because I was raised in an Islamic household, my perspective of God was warped. I believed God was mean and distant. In other words, I believed He was too busy to deal with my first-world problems, and if I were to go to Him with my issues, He would judge me for them. And since I had experienced a fair share of betrayals growing up, I had a hard time opening up to people. So, I was isolated—which is exactly where the enemy wanted me.
In search of truth, I turned to astrology for guidance. My research in astrology took me down a dangerous rabbit hole. I looked into Chinese horoscopes and traditional horoscopes. I read books on palm reading and numerology—all in an attempt to figure out who I was and what my purpose was and to fill a void only God could fill with the Holy Spirit. In my search for the truth, I even agreed to let my friend’s mom perform Reiki on me, which is a New Age energy practice that claims to bring healing of some sort. This practice didn’t work on me; if anything, it drove me into an even worse state of desperation. I experienced depressive and self-condemning thoughts, and I truly believe this was attributed to my engagement with darkness.
Years later, after I came to know the Lord, I still felt a pull toward astrology and other New Age practices. This time, though, when I looked at my horoscope for the day, I felt a check in my spirit, as if I wasn’t supposed to do it. And though I knew I wasn’t supposed to, I still did.
For a while, I felt as if I were fighting with my sinful nature. This fight literally felt like what Paul describes in Romans 7:19–25:
For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being, I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
As I continued seeking the Lord and asking Him to remove that desire from me, God led me to renounce these practices. The closer I walked with God, the less pull I felt from the dark realm. In Christ, I found what I had been looking for my whole life—unconditional love and peace that surpasses understanding. This is the satisfaction I so longed for my counselor friend to find. This is the satisfaction I pray you will find. His love for you is deep; you just have to seek Him to find it.
The fight against Satan is an ongoing battle that often starts with doubt in our minds about God’s love toward us. Once we entertain this thought, it leads us down a dark rabbit hole we can only come out of by the power of the Holy Spirit.
My prayer for us is that we would be so satisfied with God and so full of the Holy Spirit that we would not turn to anything else for guidance but to the author and finisher of our faith, in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen!
To learn more about Kenza Haddock’s new book, The Three Enemies of Your Mental Health, visit MyCharismaShop.com